Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter
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I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
i want enemies
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter