Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
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My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!I like the way this kid thinks!
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
“Does this library still have a place to eat in the basement?”
“We don’t have a place to eat, and we don’t actually have a basement.”
“Wow, really? What changed?”
“Your current position in the multiverse, I’m guessing.”
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
They should make a moral fiber supplement
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.