Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
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The three genders
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
yall want some gasoline milk
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
Chuck E. Cheese is a child casino, good night
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
Wolverine: You know what I can’t heal?
Jean: What Logan?
Wolverine: A broken heart*professor x starts laughing from the other room*
worst online experience has gotta be finding a reddit post that outlines your exact symptoms and every comment is like “you should go to the hospital” and someone says “any update OP?” but the OP hasnt posted in 5 years
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
*does quarter behind the ear trick, but with orange marmalade*
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco