Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you keep your curtains open at night, please know I WILL slow down as I drive by to critique your decorating and see what you’re watching.

Me: Let’s get a library card.

Her: It’s too expensive.

M: They’re FREE, dummy.

[1 year later]

*receives bill for $190 in late fees*

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.

Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go

Few things in life are more pleasurable than
turning off the lights in a public bathroom while
people are still inside..

I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.

The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.

trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?

Benefits of dating me:

1. You’re the smart one

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

My goal for 2025 is to hang enough poetry in my bathroom that anyone who uses it comes out sobbing

Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.

Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

THERAPIST: You’re cured.

ME: Really?!?

THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?

A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.

My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.

My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.

i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

Barista: Latte for Waldo

Barista: Do we have a Waldo here

Barista: Where’s Waldo

Me: *proudly nudging a stranger* I did that

Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.