Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
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I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
Never let them know your next move 😂
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
me when the shower won’t work: is this you craig or do I have to call a plumber?
the guy who haunts my house that I have a good relationship with: not me dawg
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
Science says 99% of dust in your home is flakes of human skin but in my home it’s mostly microscopic potato chip crumbs.
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Millipede Parent: This little piggy went to market…
*ten years later* …and this little piggy went weee all the way home.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
“Got any drugs or alcohol on you?”
“yup, I’m all set. Thanks Officer”
[at art museum]
Security: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Me: It needs more yellow
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Commissioner: we’ll need to stay in touch
Batman: ok
Commissioner: this stealth communication device will-
Batman: LETS USE A GIANT SKY LAMP
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.