Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.

I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.

I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

[Me as a Sunday school teacher]

…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?

her: wedding attire?

me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man

The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.

Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage

Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:

“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”

I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live

me: oh my god. you’re lying

doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not

I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator

My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”

The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.

the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister

hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.

Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.

As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?

Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection

Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control

M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…

*brings a mattress to a trust fall*

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.

After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.

At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.

Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.

Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.

But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.

[Sigh]

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.