Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
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“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Grant me the supernatural ability to change the things I cannot accept.
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Thank heavens for community notes
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
Nobody:
My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.