Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
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A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
The dental hygienist told me I have nice gums today and giggled, then she told me she was happily married. So I don’t really know what to believe
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: There is snow in my paw and now you must carry me.
if you’re in a movie theater fiddling/crinkling with a noisy snack…………………… you need to give up that struggle after 5 min. let it go. put the community before the snack
a pod of orcas just destroyed my skateboard
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
[grocery shopping]
ME: oooh my back just cracked
5: mine too. WE’RE A CRACK FAMILY!!
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Alcohol won’t solve my problems, but neither will milk or orange juice.
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two