Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
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I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
[awkward silence while i drive my date home] in my defense some places let you draw on the menu
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
me: [texting] hey sorry but my powerful enemy just said “seize him” to all his underlings
boss: what time can you be here
me: i dunno man they’re seizing me like right now
boss: we’re short staffed today
me: i’m getting seized
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
I could probably survive about a week in the wilderness eating only the food I spill on my shirt any given day.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
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Here-1 sided text conversation between me and my 18yo daughter because all I do is pick her up from places.
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
Merica.
huge if true: the moon
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.
[At the restaurant]
Her: Can you pass the salt, please?
Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.
fred: I can’t figure out who the monster is
scooby: that guy’s face smells like a rubber mask
fred: really no idea who it is
scooby: it’s him, it’s that guy–
fred: just no way to know
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.