Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.

I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.

I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo

Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.

I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

OMG 🤣🤣

ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*

EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?

Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

me: i let my cat drink the bathtub water while i was in it
priest: once again kind of weird but not a sin

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM and

me:
I’m already out.

sitting next to you on an empty train and clicking my stopwatch every time you turn a page in your book

I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.

My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes

Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?

On the Museum of Science and Industry coal mine tour and the guide asks “how would you improve working conditions in the mine?” This Little One shoots a hand up and cheerfully answers:

“Riot”

It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.

It used be called “talking to yourself” but the new term for it is “podcasting”.

STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.

My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?

Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.

And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”

I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

haha same

Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.

3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.

Me: cool.

3yo: cool.

The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying