Start every phone call with “My battery is at 5%” so you can hang up whenever you want.
You Might Also Like
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
I forgot all the Spanish I learned as a high school señor.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Woke up against my better judgement again
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
The sign at the pool says,
Children Under 12 Require Supervision.I guess anyone over 12 is allowed in with only normal eyesight.
[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
mood
all that yoga finally paid off
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Pennywise does live in the sewer, rent free. That speaks to financial discipline. And he eats children, who are also free. Based on that, I’m gonna say the name is more likely earnest than ironic.
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
me and my fake scenarios
