Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.

Every day is a whodunit mystery when you have kids.

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

(True)

I tried flirting with my hairdresser today.

I said, “Do you comb hair often?”

Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god.  Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.

Kids today are so spoiled with their yummy gummy vitamins. It’s nothing like when I was a kid and we had to chew on orange-flavored chalk.

NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: whats that big wooden boat ur building
NOAH: it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: idk looks like a boat to me
NOAH: well it’s an ark
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: haha ok guy have fun with the boat
NOAH: have fun drowning
NOAH’S NEIGHBOR: what
NOAH: what

I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you

Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left

Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.

My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.

You’re welcome.

Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it

The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.

Doctor: What’s the problem?

Me: Our baby cries all night

Doctor: That’s quite normal

Baby: ALL NIGHT

Doctor: Holy shit

I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.

Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?

Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.

“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.

After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.

I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.

I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.

just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’

person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???

If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.

A parent’s autobiography called “But I Just Sat Back Down” and all the chapters start with “Ugh.”