Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast

*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.

I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.

There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH

Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne

One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…

Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.

-my 12yo complimenting dinner

Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.

Almost nailed it! 😂🤣

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.

Me: I understand.

*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.

No one:

My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!

I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”

when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag

I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.

I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.

God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.

Angel: What do you call it?

God: A toddler.

Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!

Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.

“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast