Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.

For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.

Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.

Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

Feeling invisible and unnoticed?

Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.

walmart in August: here’s some pumpkins

walmart ON halloween day: merry christmas

WHERE’S THE PUMPKINS AT BRO I NEED 3.

Boss: I suspect one of you is dead
[Everyone looks at me, except for Paul, who is not moving at all]

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven

If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.

I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em

Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!

Garage door is broken

Obituaries should have clickbait titles

[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby

Me: Table for one, please.

Waiter: Would you like to see the men–

Me: YES.

No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.

I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.

Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.

I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️

Gets drunk.

Drunk: Oh I’m so gonna get you back.

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”

-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…

My 13yo wants a hamster and we told her she needs to prove she’s responsible first so we just keep saying things like “someone who wants a hamster doesn’t leave their plate at the dinner table” and I think we might keep this going until she’s 23

All right then, keep your secrets

Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.

Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.

First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.

hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim

“Theirye’re” problem solved