Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.

I always wear striped stockings in hopes someone will mistake me for a witch and drop a house on me.

I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool

5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.

I don’t know why smokey the bear carries a shovel, but it scares the shit out of me.

[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…

No one lays down beats like Gaston, fills the seats like Gaston, when on Twitter nobody tweets like Gaston.

When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you

My birth announcement for our third baby

A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.

Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.

3-year-old: OK

*breaks into song*

*turns on every talking toy*

*detonates fireworks*

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it

and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

He-man has a Masters degree

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.

So funny how “go to sleep” and “do parkour” sound exactly the same to kids.

News: There are aliens in Miami

Internet: meh

News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?

Internet: *yawns*

News: Jews in a tunnel?

Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention

Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…

It’s so considerate of drug dealers to make the Police’s job so much easier, by always dressing just like drug dealers

Child: I’m bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Child: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Child: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Child: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Child: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.