Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”

*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*

“Oh.”

Dear Neighbours,

“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

I had a race with a smart car today.

I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.

What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?

You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood

Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.

just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale

Me: Damn i really need to do my essay

Also me:

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*

I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.

It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent

You gotta know when to tweet em

Know when to delete em

Know when to follow someone

Know when to run

Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.

I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.

Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.

“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”

Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?

Sweet Revenge 😂😂😂

#archaeohistories

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.

Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.