Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
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a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
if I ever have a daughter I’m gonna name her Erica but spell it Airwrecka
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Can makeup companies just admit that they’ve run out of words to market mascara? Lashblast full effect endless wonder lengthening spider scandal volumizing ultra curved stiletto black fantasy mega-colossal stiletto stapler gondola tractor zoo crime salad steamboat tick chart
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please