Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
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More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
yeet
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Boss: There’s a meeting at 3.
Me: Unsubscribe.
Boss: What?
Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire
Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If your rice gets wet, just put it in a bag of phones.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.