Start of the article: but what if only three people read it
End of the article: at least only three people will read it
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So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I’m unpredictable. Like a dad on a field trip.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
Never buy trail mix without dried fruit or chocolate. That would be totally nuts!
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
Is anyone gonna tell them?
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭