Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
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Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
I just found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mother’s room. I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero!
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Me: *interviewing a potential coworker*: why did you leave your previous job?
Him: I was fired
Me: what for?
Him: I knocked my boss out
Me: How fast can you join?
My dad’s always complaining about the thermostat.
He’ll say to me, “Daniel, why did you get a tattoo of a Thermos?”
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
me: alexa what happens when we die
alexa: you get taken to the hospital for multiple stab wounds where you are pronounced dead and your wife is eventually found innocent of murder due to evidence tampering
me: wait what
alexa: what
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Breaking news:
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Just got off the phone with my mom. She had a nice talk.
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut