Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.

Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.

“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”

Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?

Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.

I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.

Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you

My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again

I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)

Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away

I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.

My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.

outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now

me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email

outlook: [confused hissing]

i’ve never successfully skipped a stone. just thrown a lot of rocks straight into water. harassed a lot of fish i guess

[interrogation]

ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face

COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.

Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.

George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*

George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?

It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.

[wedding]

PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake

ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret