Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
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Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
unbelievably distressed by this ad
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
A mom-off where we see who can cut a grape into the smallest pieces
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
I wish my 3yo ate dinner as well as he eats toothpaste
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
WTF IS THAT!
I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”
Green Day, the band was Green Day.
Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?