Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
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My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Gallant is a goddamn psychopath.
This was my dad’s browser history.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
sometimes i miss this memes
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
asked my mom about this guy Ben in my hometown and she said “no one cares about that Ben anymore, there’s a hotter Ben now”
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado