start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
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Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
BAE: wats for lunch
ME: i feel like a sandwich
BAE: u dont LOOK like a sandwich
ME: [secretly been trying to dress sandwichly for weeks] oh.
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me driving through Toronto
mary: i can’t believe i had to give birth in a barn this sucks. at least now i can rest
three old guys: heyyyyy
little boy playing the drums: whaddup
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
As the Lord intended
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
The U.S is #18 in mathematics worldwide. At least we’re in the top ten.
It’s generally a good idea to start punching and throwing elbows immediately upon waking up because there may be enemies nearby
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out