Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣∧_∧ oh no
( ･ω･) im late for work
＿| ⊃／(＿＿_
／ └-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
If the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree, my kids are screwed.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Eggs are just drums you can only play once
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
My 10-yr-old just asked me who the “smelly guy” is at my work, and when I said we don’t have one she said, “then it’s probably you”.
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end