Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
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Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Husband made it clear years ago he has no interest in assembling anything but I really wanted a hammock for the backyard.
Guys, I put it together myself! It was so easy. And it came with all these extra parts!
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Nana to 3: “I love you! Who loves ya?!”
3 to Nana: “Nana!”
Nana to 3: “That’s right! Who loves Nana?”
3 to Nana: “Nobody!!!”Never been more impressed in my life.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
I’m sorry I commented “beautiful horse” on your wedding photo.
I want a hallmark movie where the city girl goes home to save the family business, and realizes her hometown and her high school sweetheart still suck after all these years
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
[invention of baseball]
Guy: I’ll throw the ball
Me: and I catch it
Guy: no hit it with a stick
Me: then what?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: what if I miss?
Guy: someone else will try to catch it
Me: you could just say you don’t want to play catch with me dad
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
Can’t stop laughing
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??