Start the year as you intend to continue.
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Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Fluff me with a fork baby
Who called it “playing footsie” and not “becoming sole mates”?
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
“I’m sorry”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━0:06
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁ 5%“…but”:
0:00🔘━━━━━━━━70:28:54
↻ ⊲ Ⅱ ⊳ ↺
volume: ▁▂▃▄▅▆▇ 100%
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Grandmother clock.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
Body by sandwich.
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Homophobia isnt much about fear, true, but I wish it was more like Arachnaphobia(I heard that every year in your sleep you swallow 7 gays)
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
Martial arts movie, starring me
Master: You wish to learn to fight?
Me: Yes
Master: The training is very difficult
Me: Oh then no
The End
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
this is the best interaction on twitter
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
translated into Canadian
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.