Start the year as you intend to continue.
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
This lunch pairs well with watching 9 minutes of a tv show
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
Jogging
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?
TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?
RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.
Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.