Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
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DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
two bros having a conversation in the 1700s like “omg we should totally start a pamphlet”
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
spiders in your apartment after the landlord paints over them
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
*drops something sharp*
Brain: catch it with your foot
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
YouTube is a dangerous place for kids. There’s a lot of filthy stuff they could stumble upon like videos on how to make slime
Went a little too hard on leg day at the gym and the next day I couldn’t walk.
Naturally, I lied and told my friends that I met someone…
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.