Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants

If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.

thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.

I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–

Me: *sprays insect repellent*

I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.

Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.

Hey man be careful on the trampoline one of my buddies never came back down

My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days

Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.

[apocalypse]

Day 5: sickness is spreading rapidly

Day 34: the streets are filled w death. There’s no joy left in the world

Day 69: LOL 69

Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.

The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.

boss: can i see you in my office

me: [sheathing sword] why

Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign

Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes

Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice

Lucky for them, they’re cute

Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?

Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.

Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.

Her: You’re really rockin’ those white pants.

Me: These are my legs.

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?