Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
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sitting on the middle seat of this flight and both my seatmates are reading my book over my shoulder, should i just start reading it aloud
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
“Dad, what’s a forklift?”
“Food, usually.”
channeling her this year
“When neighbors start talking, good things happen.” 🏡
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
The keys Home-Insert-End-Delete are together on the keyboard. Whoever created the keyboard was a big fan of one night stands.
Me: Did you use my highlighter?
2-year-old:
Me:
2:
Me:
2: No.
Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.
oh so when Moo Deng bites people and falls over she’s “a social media sensation” but when I do it I am “bringing a weird energy to my coworker’s gender reveal party”
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.