Start your day with the confidence of a 5yo who thinks he knows how to tie his shoes.
You Might Also Like
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.