Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
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VERY excited to choose the food with the caterer for our wedding soon. it’s the ultimate versionnof my favorite game (looking at a restaurant menu and deciding what i’d like to eat)
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
My kids would rather hide a plate in the most obscure, hard to reach places in our home just so they don’t have to take a 5 second walk and return it to our kitchen.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
The moment I learned I was going to have to hide my grapes from this kitty…
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!