Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
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Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
NO city was built in a day. Get over yourself, Rome.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can
Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Laundry to do list;
□ whites
□ towels
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ untangle and re-dry duvet cover
□ darks
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Heard my ex tell one of his friends I was a stalker. Almost made me mad enough to come out of his closet and give him a piece of my mind.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*