Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
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“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Shout out to the racoon or drunk person messing with my trashcans right now. Thank you for laughs, making me feel more sober than I am, and making me double check my doors are locked.
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
Well, that didn’t work.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
You know you have a bag of frozen peas in the freezer that looks like this. Don’t lie.
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
