Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
Jesus steals the winter solstice
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
“I hate being half bicycle-half motorcycle” he moped
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
[At the gym]
My body: WTF
Me: I know
Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?
Me: No, this is how it is from now on.
Body: *charley horse*
Me: Well played, bitch… well played
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
They’re stuck in your pants?
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
