Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Me: How would you feel about me dating a guy only 7 years older than you?
My Son, then 18: Depends. What kind of video game system does he own? Will he let me borrow it?
Me:
My Son: Does he own a motorcycle & will he let me drive it?
Me:
My Son: Can I call him “New Dad”?
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
*date*
GIRL: I love hot tubs. Do you love hot tubs?
LOBSTER: That’s like the third time you’ve asked me that.
Usage Guidelines
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
Sorry for the delay in texting you back. My internet is slow and it takes a week to arrive at your location
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
I’m taking my kids with me to the office today. They’ll learn about my industry and what I do for a living and my coworkers will learn why I show up to work looking like a disheveled, defeated husk of a man.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
dude it’s called proctologist
i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
