Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
(3:12am)
My cat: hi it’s time to walk on your face
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
If a woman has kids: should they not be at home looking after the kids
If a woman does not have kids: wow crazy cat lady
If a woman lures kids to her cottage made of gingerbread deep down in the woods: she’s a witch
Women can’t win
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
[interview]
What is your greatest strength?
“Throwing my voice”
You’re hired!
“Ok great, thanks”
Wait I didn’t say- oh wow you’re good
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Ferrari squats
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
