Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
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Half my family is Catholic, the other half Jewish, so when the tweet contest theme is “guilt” I pretty much have it in the bag.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
I have written yet another poem about laundry
We cut our bangs at dawn.
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
If we’re not supposed to be snacking late at night why is there a light in the fridge
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
god (creating me): here’s the ability to be funny sometimes
me: omg thank you! so i guess i’ll be pretty happy then
god: LOL wow, you are funny
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
if potheads are lazy then why did I just go to my car to get a lighter?
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.