Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
![]()
You Might Also Like
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
Judge: how does your client plead?
Me, a lawyer: it was just a little murder and the victim was a bit of a prick actually
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help
omg leave her alone
![]()
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.