Started answering all spam texts/calls of “is this so and so?” with “no, this is Patrick.”
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Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
Succinctly put.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I have a question and my question is, how can I look so cute in the mirror but like such a baked potato in pictures?
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Wife: Get birthday wrapping paper and bows at the store.
Me: What kind of bows?
Wife: Birthday bows.
Me: We have a bag of bows here.
Wife: Those are Christmas bows. I need birthday bows.
Me: Technically, Christmas is a birthday.
Wife [rubbing temples]: Just..just do what I ask.
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
“No! YOU’RE plastered!!!”
-me, drunk, walking into a wall
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Gonna call faux pockets “fauxckets” because it’s close to the expletive I use when I realize they’re fake.
SHE has the mouth of a sailor…
…that recently retired & started a new career as a trucker.