Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.

I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back

ME: let me take you to a nice dinner
HER: ok
ME: somewhere they make the food right there in front of you
HER: oh like Benihana?
ME: (slipping subway coupons back in my pocket) I guess so

Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later

Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

Friend: Do you think you could survive a zombie apocalypse?
Me: Depends. Fast zombies, or slow zombies?
Friend: Either one.
Me: Then, no.

*discovering a dead body*

Friend: When I said call for help I kind of meant the police?

Me: Aww man…sorry dude, you heard him.

Guy from Blue’s Clues: I’m still getting paid right

Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*

Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*

My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs

My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.

Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast

me, making an omelette: what

“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

me: would you still love me if i was crazy?

him: if????

“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.

If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.

I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.

Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem