Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

optimus prime: did she just wink at me?

me: i think she’s turning left

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”

Wife: Will you rub my back?

Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night

It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary

microwave: would you like your food too hot or too cold

me: what if you cooked it just right

microwave: wHaT iF You COoKeD it JuST RiGht lmao ok goldilocks

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

[ouija board]

How are you feeling?

*board begins spelling*
O-O-E-Y–G-O-O-E-Y

What the!? A cheesy board!?

G-O-U-D-A–G-U-E-S-S

Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.

What’s the issue officer?

Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?

I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.

If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”

[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!

I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.

I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this

My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.

My conscience is clean.

Alcohol is technically a solvent.

Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.

Judge: Approach the bench.

Cat Lawyer:

Judge: pspspsps

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.

The Terminator would have been better if they’d cast Jim Parsons. “Bazinga” is so much better than “I’ll be back.”

The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.

For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.

I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.

I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.

Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.

Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning