Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

“Great, now I have to pee.”

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

I work at Home Depot.

White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers

Me: Thank you for that information

Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?

Tamale guy: yes

Me: I’ll take three

ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.

GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.

The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?

My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.

Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are

WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them

my mom always told me not to wear long skirts because they make me look short. ok lady, first of all i am genetically yours and homegrown in your womb. i only turned out to be 5’2”. this is not the skirt’s fault

4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter

Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.

Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”

I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.

“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice

Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor

Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.

Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.

are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google

[Bath & Body Works]

Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen