Started lifting weights in 2010 when I did my first set of 10 bicep curls. Supposed to take breaks between sets so maybe sometime I’ll get around to the second set.
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So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Starting to suspect my wife was royalty in a previous life and I was her official food taster.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Diet Coke: Making people feel better about ordering two Big Macs and a large fry since 1982.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
wish this weren’t a scam text. would love to go
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Oh deer
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey