Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.

[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.

unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)

Don’t mess with me. I come from a generation that would walk to a mail box to mail a letter if we were angry enough with you.

Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.

Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.

I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person

“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.

One hamburger please

CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here

Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please

“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: 24 glasses of milk

Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?

Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag

shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?

Medusa: absolutely not

girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!

Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream

My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.

Me: Let me shift gears for just a second

Bus driver: Go back to your seat!

Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.

Tired of people spying on me while I pretend to work

My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download

I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington

my mental health would drastically increase if I could be involved in a heist like once or twice a month, even better if there’s a fun montage included

[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle

i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it

Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.

*15th century*

Shaggy: ‘Twas not I

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can’t spell?

*phone chimes*
[Text from Dan] I can’t wait to meat your friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah I’m not sure

I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.