Started making anti-inspirational greeting cards.
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I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
[runs up to a group of people]
ME: ZACK ATTACK
GUY: lol is your name zack or—
[thousands of bros crest a nearby hill]
ME: [whispering] RUN
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I love when the IRS asks if I’ve lived in a state of emergency or disaster area in the tax year like every year hasn’t been a state of emergency or disaster area.
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away