Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Batman: I’m afraid of bats

Superman: I’m afraid of soup

DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text

DOG FRIEND: which color heart?

DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one

DOG FRIEND: omg

what if nobody was president and we all promised really hard to just be good

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

I am never leaving this website

My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing

[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]

ME: I hate you

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this

I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200

There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….

now tell me, Are you one of Them?

I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.

Dyslexics are teople poo!

I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.

What time will the Easter candy be discounted?

CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.

Ok. I’ll call back later.

PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em

Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?

I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.

the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it

Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye

Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off

Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again

To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.

At the disco last night.

They played twist. I did the twist.

They played jump. I jumped.

They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.

I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera