Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.

Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.

Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.

Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?

Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.

What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?

Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.

“it’s my expert opinion we need to remove all your bones”
wait you’re not my doctor
*a bunch of dogs fall out of the lab coat and run away*

I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 Pants

For the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks

If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.

Parenting talk translated.

“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”

Actually means:

“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”

i love the term “partner”. are we dating? are we detectives on a case together? are we cowboys? are we cowboy detectives in a relationship? there’s no bad answer

Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube

Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s

Him: SENTENCES

Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you

The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one

Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother

“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon

My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.

I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time

At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.