Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
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Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
ME: On the one hand, I have this weird rash. And on the other hand
DATE: ??
ME: It’s on both hands, I should probably see a doctor
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
I saw a car flipped over on the way to work and I was envious because they probably get to take the day off
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
“What do you know about atoms?”
“Very little.”
“Besides that.”
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.