Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
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I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
The biggest problem with finding another job is I don’t want one
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.