Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wear sunglasses when I’m driving so nobody knows I’m asleep.

I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars

What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?

My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now

Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.

I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”

I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.

You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices

I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?

priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific

Everybody just wants to get off…

….This elevator because that guy stinks

Her: I hate organized religion

Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too

Me [all day]: tired

Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?

Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.

Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.

Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.

hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit

When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.

I’m white, but not like “has a golden retriever named Chance” white.

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.

You’re hopeless.

I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown

Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.

My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.

“Once COVID is over” is starting to sound a lot like some “Lemme borrow five bucks I’ll pay you back I swear” bullshit.