I’ve started picking up dudes by walking into Starbucks and “accidentally” dropping my recipe for bacon tacos.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
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me: i’m late
me: it’s yours
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
‘Oath’ for breakfast, Affidavit for lunch perhaps. 😂😂
signing a lease tomorrow
“U put on suntan lotion?”
“Youll get sunburned!”
*sun descends, his voice echoes loudly*
“NICE BICEPS BRO, UR LIL SISTER LOAN EM TO U?”
Jesus: This bread is my body. This wine, it is my blood. And this Cadbury egg is filled with my…
Judas: Ok ok that’s enough!
me: i’m looking to sell this gun, can you do $400
pawn shop owner: i can do $250
me: [cocking gun] how about now
pawn shop owner: well now that i see that it works yeah i could do $400
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.