The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
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[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?
ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
CONTRACTOR: a 5-gallon bucket is the best tool I own
ME, entering buffet: same
I’m not falling for those “ancestry tests.” If the government wants my DNA they’re going to have to get it the old fashioned way, from underneath the fingernails of a dead drifter I buried in the woods.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct