Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
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My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
3yo: Mommy, I wish I had a twumpet.
Me: Mmmm well I do not.
3yo: But I would love to play a big loud twumpet sound
Me: As I mentioned in my previous email (see attached)–
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
once in college this girl got drunk and spilled her guts to me about how horrible her boyfriend was and how he was bad in bed and always flirted with other girls in front of her. anyway now they’re engaged <3
A woman who works at a cafe I frequent saw me in public and recognized me, but she doesn’t know my name, so she said, “Hey! No tomatoes!”
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
[fancy restaurant]
me: one steak and a bowl of ketchup please
waiter: usually you don’t need anything with it, sir
me: you’re right [closing menu] just the ketchup then
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Oh, I see. “Adam and Steve” is gay, but “Adam dates his own rib” is perfectly acceptable.
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
You want me to pay attention to the details? The thing the devil is in?
Holy moly
Adding “family” to words sucks out all the fun: Vacation? Family vacation. Car? Family car. Movie? Family movie. Affair? Family affair.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.