Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
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Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you’ve got alzheimers.
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
I’m a human alarm clock so when I wake up this early for no reason, I punch myself in the face to turn myself off.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
“You like mayonnaise? Prove it.” – Costco
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
The labels on prescription bottles are just suggestions, like speed limits.
The media be like here’s what you need to know about protecting your privacy online, subscribe to view article
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
Toys ‘R Us pulled Breaking Bad figures because the characters sold drugs, but continue to sell Darth Vader ones, and he blew up a planet.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
💯😂
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
Tell the colonel to bring it
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.