Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
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One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
What number SPF blocks people?
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
i really liked this one
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
My 4-year-old Nephew told me a school friend gave him her address so he can go over for play dates.
The address:
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
Vishnu bud you’re gonna want to sit down for this
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Why are there 2 dragon smileys on Whatsapp?
“He winked at me, I should send him a dragon head.”
“No babe, this calls for a full dragon.”
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
one of my friends has the most absurd amount of charisma i’ve ever seen. we were recording a music video involving fireworks and the cops got called.
he convinced the cop to be in the music video
Quadruple digit IQ
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
sir, my pâté if you please
