Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??

I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.

Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.

12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight

The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.

[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

Your fav movie?

My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it

Me: It

Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.

My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

Me: hey want to go to sushi?

Her: sure! Wait is this a date or just friends?

Me: well I’m down for a date if you are

Her: I only want to be friends

Me [putting away my special bedazzled, date chopsticks]: haha sounds fair cool cool cool

Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel

If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard

the worm is coming from inside the brain

I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.

Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.

“U got gum?”

“Give me some lotion”

“Hold my gun”

Chivalry isn’t dead. He’s just sleeping. Right, chivalry? CHIVALRY!?

Tampons should yell “OH YEAH” in the Kool Aid man’s voice when they’re full

I pick up every feather that I see on the floor.

Interviewer: that’s a weird strength.

Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂

“Dad, what caused the Great Fire of London?”

[googles but can’t get wifi] Well son, that’s when Bach dropped the most fire mixtape of 1666

Dear All,

During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.

Yours truly,
Psychiatrist

if I were a british cop I would say “wots all this then” so freaking much.

British people be like “I’m Bri ish” cause they drank the “T”😭

I got patted down by airport security.

Apparently, I am not supposed to reciprocate.

i hate when adults say “tummy.” im a grown up. it’s my STOMACH that hurts because I had too many sweets without mothers permission

it’s gotta be as much fun for a slinky to go down an escalator as it is for a human to walk on a treadmill