Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
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Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
I vastly underestimated how many times my toddler would want to listen to Baby Shark on a cross-country road trip.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors