Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kids will lie to you then straight up tell you they were joking like no my dude jokes have a punchline not a line of ants coming from a kool-aid puddle

A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.

Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.

*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.

A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.

[we arrive at the Pet Sematary]
Jud: we’ll rest here, but there’s a… a place further on, it’s got power
Me: how much further on
Jud: three miles
Me: *finger guns* no thank you
[I chuck my dead cat into the woods and go home]

My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

My brain considers names irrelevant information.

Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”

It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.

WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock

[algebra class]

KID: This is so stupid

TEACHER: You may need it in your job

KID: What job?

TEACHER: …

KID: …

TEACHER: Algebra teacher?

Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*

Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!

Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*

B Boys: not like that

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.

I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ

Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.

I am a genie. I grant you three wi—

Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!

I think this cat is broken

I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.

Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.

Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.

Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.

how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year