Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.

Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.

When I was 4 years old I thought the president was whoever was the oldest guy in the country, and I was exactly right

The heaviest things in the world:

4) iron

3) lead

2) tungsten

1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”

“The bride has also written her own vows.”

A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.

They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.

When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about

best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival

Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly

This dude got his own movie?

I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.

I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything

I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts

[Couples’ Counselling]

Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him

Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!

Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move

I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese

When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane

dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything

what could possibly go wrong?

As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.

Putting a child in a stroller is not that hard but putting the same child in a car seat is one of the hardest things a human can do and requires 8-10 business months of rest to recover from.

Harry Potter at an interview

Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.

Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)

My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.