Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
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date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Here at the Southern Cannibal Buffet, it’s y’all you can eat!™️
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
When I’m bored on a plane, I pull a random machine part out of my pocket and ask the person next to me “Do you know where this came from?”
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
Life is what happens in between trips to the fridge.
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
I find that the secret to not being insecure is to just be better than everybody at everything while being incredibly good looking.
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
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Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.