started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
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“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
i’m a 10 but in the psych ward i’m a 13.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
[at a Doja Cat concert]
me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
My husband and I are having a Fitbit competition, so every day when he leaves for work I attach mine to our dog. I’m averaging 25,438 steps a day.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.