started the year single. ending the year single. consistency is key
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“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
my wife opens my diary & her jaw drops as she reads page after page after page after page of bigfoot poetry
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i mend relationships
professor boyfriend: oh wow
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
Nice try, Clooney “wedding.” I know a casino heist when I see one.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
Twitter: hey, check out this picture of an Australian golfer accidentally hitting a kangaroo
Me: lol *like*
Twitter: so what I’m getting from this is you want your whole feed to be Australian golf news
Me: n-
Twitter: poor showing today from Sergio Clemsworth, hitting +2 at
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: *weaving through traffic*
PASSENGER: *gripping seat* can you maybe finish the basket later?
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
no babe I love that you need to use the washroom because it coincides with my need to look at my phone for 3-7 minutes.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime