Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said “I Love My Grand-dog” and I think l’m going to be ok.

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If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company


When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me


Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.


[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go


[trying to impress date]

Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.

Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*


God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT

Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*


“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”

“Depends how many cars roll over it”

I should do Kids TV shows.


Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.


Roses are red, violets are-

Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!


HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
MOM: same