If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said “I Love My Grand-dog” and I think l’m going to be ok.
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When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
“Auntie,how big can frogs be?”
“Depends how many cars roll over it”
I should do Kids TV shows.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me