*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
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2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
Day 27 without sports:
Hesitated for an inappropriately long moment before intervening in my kid’s living room brawl.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
Obama keeps trying to get me to kiss this top secret document from Syria but I keep telling him I’m not the kinda guy who’ll kiss intel
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Nurse: You need to eat or you can’t have your pain meds.
Me: Do the thing.
Nurse:
Me:
Nurse: *holding fork*
[sigh]*makes airplane noise*
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.