Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
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*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
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[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[Listening to Natalie Imbruglia’s ‘Torn’ while warm, unashamed, standing fully clothed on the ceiling] I can’t relate to this
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
them: what are you think-
me: FOOD
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…