Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?

ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.

next level snooze

me: can I wish for infinite wishes?

genie: no, you only get 3

me: I wish 3 meant infinite

genie:

me:

genie: *sigh* alright what else?

me: telephones but for dogs.

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”

Wife: Slowly.

Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…

I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.

put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes

Jesus: I can turn water into wine.

Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]

i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars

My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.

every TV pilot:

“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”

You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.

“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”

– Mark Twain

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else

I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.

i’ve had too much coffee

~ amateurs

Me: We are underbudget this month!

Dog: *eats kid’s retainers*

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

HER: Whisper in my ear

ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star

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