Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.

your honor, i nominate the real murderer for the ice bucket challenge!! [a guy stands up] nice

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.

I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.

Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.

*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”

Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

me: whoa you think I’m buff?

them: no, we said buffoon

*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST

“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP

I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery

Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?

Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!

Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here

ME: *posing nude for a painter*

GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.

In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.

I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.

She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car

Hot people celebrate the new year in nightgowns and caps with tiny candles on plates & retire to their chambers at exactly 10 PM so they can go “honk shoo, honk shoo, mi-mi-mi-mi.” All hot people do this.

Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?

Please tell me I’m not alone on this.

A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.

Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.

– repeat offenders

DR: Good news and bad news

LADY: What’s the bad news

DR: Your husbands dead

LADY: *crying* Oh my god

DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is

Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-

Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks

I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.