Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
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Sometimes Jesus appears on toast, sometimes pancakes, sometimes waffles. Always on breakfast food. Why? It’s the most important meal.
Saying no thanks to a CW’s offer to hit me with their car so I could take the day off proves decisions shouldn’t be made before coffee
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into first day of school: Everyone has Ebola.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but rather it is giving her the tools to enable her to obtain those things for herself” I reflect as I apply the finishing touches to my 5 year old‘s flamethrower.
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
They say diffusing essential oils can help relieve stress………THEY DON’T TELL YOU THAT YOU GET STRESSED OUT FIGURING OUT WHAT ONES!