Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
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[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Wrote a song and it goes a little something like this… Who put maple syrup on the caaaaat?
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
If I get married I want my last name to be hyphenated. Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated.
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
A 12-year-old just yelled out the passenger window of his mom’s SUV that I don’t look very attractive (I’m wearing a mask).
I can’t begin to express how relieved I am that preteen boys want nothing to do with me, so I will never be removing this mask.
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I’ve watched Dancing With The Stars with my wife all season and she just asked who I think should win. Quick! Someone tell me who’s on it!
When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Google Maps should start screaming the more wrong turns you make
nicknamed my iphone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with my glasses on either.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Age 17: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my parent’s house
Age 37: Avoiding squeaky floor boards to sneak out of my toddler’s room
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Meow
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”