Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
You Might Also Like
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Me: *puts on hand sanitizer*
0.0002% of germs: Noooooo!
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Not today
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Look, don’t call it a salad “bar” if you’re going to tell me I can’t do ranch dressing shots.
Boss: Can you redact the total before sending the statement?
Me: Sure. Right after I look up the word redact.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Just let me finish this movie
Wife: What are you watching?
Me: *turns to camera* The Neverending Story
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
