Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
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Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
selena gomez
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Insane if literal: last Christmas I gave you my heart
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
I’ll have enough candy left for trick or treaters tonight… if there are only 8 of them.
And they come in the next 15 minutes.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever