Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
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movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
A werewolf is chasing you and you are going to die but he’s wearing TOMS and you can’t stop laughing.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
I can’t stop watching this.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
So silly when you lose the cursor and also any sense of rationality so you just begin frantically shaking the mouse like a cop trying to force a suspect to reveal where they’re hiding it.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
I think the least the government could do right now is cancel calories, do they even understand how much cheese is needed daily to eat one’s feelings
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
I miss when flirting was just wearing a candy necklace around my neck and asking if he wanted a bite