Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
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Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
“What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”
Well I sure as shit felt better at 21 so imma call bullshit
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
a thought I have quite often is that there are almost about 50 million kangaroos in Australia and 5 million New Zealand citizens. If the kangaroos were to invade New Zealand each Kiwi would need to fight at least 10 kangaroos.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.