Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor
I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
(me as a paramedic)
*rubbing two cymbals together*
Clear!
*slams cymbals together*
WAKE UP!
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
Holy shit he’s back
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Just remembered the time my ex’s southern Baptist grandparents in Oklahoma took us on a drive to get lunch and didn’t mention we were quickly stopping by an entire church service first. Gotta give it to them in retrospect
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that… and, pull up your damn pants.
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid