started wrapping my pills in cheese
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Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
i’m a single issue voter. i’m single and it’s an issue
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Instead of a hot girl summer I’m having a Tony Soprano summer where I eat mortadella and pasta, wear my robe all day, and go to therapy
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.