Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality

ATMs should have breathalyzers

Cop: Know how fast you were going?

Me: obviously, I have a speedometer

Cop: I know that

Me: then why did you ask?

Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk

In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.

I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?

[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.

I’ve decided to stop telling dad jokes for the new year, I know they are…

Much Much You You You You Handle Handle.

Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

How to get a woman:

1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep driving

She’s yours now, plus you have a new car.

YOU: Your guess is as good as mine

ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?

YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine

They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.

Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.

according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working

Watch celebrities try to hit a fastball? No thank you.

Watch celebrities get hit by fastballs? Yes please.

Interviewer: Are you good at staying calm in stressful situations?

Me: I’m not good at staying calm in relaxing situations.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so

Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.

Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read

Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.

After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”

*Takes drive down memory lane

*Gets a DUI

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*

ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!

SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!

ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!

SPOUSE: *already running*

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom