started wrapping my pills in cheese
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I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Today I gave my friend an apple, but she told me she prefers pears.
So I gave her another apple.#jokeoftheday #funny #jokes
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
My Fitbit’s “SmartTrack” auto-recognized my riding lawn mower as a bicycle and congratulated me for burning 156 calories ipso facto I earned this ice cream
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
coworker: a little bird told me—
me: —where
coworker: uh
me: i want to talk to the little bird
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
[The year was 2050]
“Grandpa why are you sitting outside”
“There was a time when this was illegal you know”
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
[Movie theater]
*as the previews begin, I pull an entire ice cream cake out of my refrigerated cooler-purse*
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.